Beers all around!
by Mongoose Bites Yer Arse
Summary: What happens when you get Cloud and Sephiroth drunk and throw them up onto the stage in a pub talent contest....and they win? Read and find out, chap. 1 only, chap. 2 coming soon!
1. Stranger things have happened....

©Blood of Sephiroth (formally Paws) 2001

**__**

Beers all around!

Okay, just to keep you lot at Squaresoft happy, I don't own squat. I couldn't, unless you happen to be selling Final Fantasy for ten quid ;-) so please don't sue me Mr Nice Squaresoft person. Read on and enjoy! Ignore the odd waffle I tend to do at the beginning of my fics (weel, I don't know about you, but writing makes me hungry, and there's nothing like a quick waffle to keep you going, hmmm?)

**__**

Chapter 1: Stranger things have happened!

Sephiroth and Cloud are sitting in a bar.

'Hey Cloud! Remember that time you dressed as a woman to save Tifa?' Sephiroth said to Cloud, splashing most of his beer on the counter. Cloud buried his head in his hands, blushing.

'Yeah.' He still had nightmares about pink frills. Cloud took a swig of his beer, grinning at his worst enemy. 'Not as bad as what you wore to that fancy dress! Who was your tailor, anyway?'

Sephiroth's face frowned. 'Hey, the man did what he could. I was NOT walking out without any leather or my samurai. I think the metal chain suited the handbag perfectly. And it was for Hallowe'en, Cloud. You just went as yourself.' Sephiroth sniffed.

'Yeah, well, I'm scary enough, thank you. Your round.' Cloud reminded Sephiroth as he put his empty bottle down. Sephiroth patted his pockets and brought out a wallet, out of which the obligitory moth flew.

'Nah, I'm broke. You?' The action was repeated by Cloud. 'Ah well, let's beat it.'

Cloud nodded, then grinned. 'That's if we can walk. We've had a few.' He waved his hands in the general direction of the pile of bottles in front of them.

'Nah, I feel fine!' Sephiroth replied, laughing. He got up and was vertical for a full half a minute, grinning. Cloud watched him as he slowly toppled sideways.

'Let me rephrase that. We need a wheelbarrow.' A voice drifted up from the floor. Cloud grinned and got up slowly, leaning against the stool. He reached a hand down to Sephiroth, who grasped it in a solid death-grip.

'Ta.' He said once he was upright and stable. 'Hey, I've had an idea. You lean against me and I lean against you, and we'll get home that way.' Cloud nodded, but once they got sorted, the whole place went pitch black. Cloud and Sephiroth promptly fell over.

'Shin-ra!' Sephiroth shouted, trying to draw his Masamune while sitting down. Cloud chuckled.

'Nope. Worse. Kareoke.' Cloud said, pointing at the spotlighted stage. He staggared up again and sat on the barstool. Sephiroth did the same.

'Let's watch this. It could be funny!' Sephiroth suggested. Cloud nodded.

First, a beautiful young girl in a short skirt got up to sing, to many wolf whistles. She just smiled, while Cloud and Sephiroth sat there, mouths hanging open. THEN she started to sing.

To say she was tuneful would do her an injustice. She had the ultimate talent: she was tuneLESS. She could ruin any melody from five paces. And that includes making 'Agado do do' worse, which is an impossibility. Serious talent.

After half an hour of pure torture in which five contestants murdered what were old favorites, Cloud and Sephiroth were just getting up (or trying to) to leave when the spotlight landed on them.

'Damn!' Sephiroth swore, grinning. Cloud groaned. That meant he'd made up his mind.

'Come on! Let's have the lady with the blonde hair and the gentleman with the silver up here!' The barman said. Sephiroth groaned as Cloud's blue eyes glinted dangerously at the barman cowering behind the counter. Cloud leaned over the counter and picked the barman up in one hand.

'Never....call....me....a....girl....again. Understood?' He asked calmly, waiting until the barman had nodded furiously. 'Good. Now, let's sing, Sephiroth.' 

Sephiroth breathed a sigh of relief. The last guy to call Cloud a girl was probably still in a mental institute, and that was three years ago. Word got around.

Cloud and Sephiroth supported each other up to the stage, choosing an old favorite drinking song of theirs that they could actually sing in harmony when they were pissed.

An Irish drumbeat sounded out of the speakers, followed by the introduction, then Cloud and Sephiroth started singing.

'All around my hat, 

I will wear the green willow and 

all around my hat, 

for a twelve month and a day,

And if anyone should ask me

The reason why I'm wearing it

It's all for my true love

Who's far far away!'

Sephiroth sang alto as Cloud sang tenor, and they got through all four choruses before it was over.

Blood of Sephiroth: Hey, sorry it's so short. Now, please be responsible and review. If you don't, I won't put any more up. Oh, and flames would be used to heat up my room, as the ice-age hasn't seemed to pass here yet, surprisingly enough. So ner!!!!


	2. Okay....now what?

©Blood of Sephiroth (formally Paws) 2001

**__**

Beers all around!

Okay, just to keep you lot at Squaresoft happy, I don't own squat. I couldn't, unless you happen to be selling Final Fantasy for ten quid ;-) so please don't sue me Mr Nice Squaresoft person. Read on and enjoy! Ignore the odd waffle I tend to do at the beginning of my fics (weel, I don't know about you, but writing makes me hungry, and there's nothing like a quick waffle to keep you going, hmmm?)

**__**

Chapter 2: O-kay.....Now What?

The pub erupted into furious clapping as they staggered down the steps. Cloud and Sephiroth plunked down in their seats, and the barman brought them a complimentry beer each.

The landlord got up onto the platform, wiping the sweat off of his red face with a dirty cloth.

'Now that we've had all the volenteers,' Sephiroth snorted at this, 'we can take our votes. As we know, the prize is a luxury stay in Kalm!' Cheers all round as the rest of the 'volenteers' suddenly looked constipated with hope while Cloud and Sephiroth calmly drank their beer.

Cloud and Sephiroth were talking quietly as the landlord requested show of hand etc. for the best singers. Sephiroth looked up as the pub, once again, erupted into cheers. His eyes widened as he tugged on Cloud's sleeve.

'Uh, Cloud....'

'Wha....shit....'

The whole pub was looking at them, at least those who hadn't drunk themselves under the table, and clapping wildly as the spotlight landed on them.

'Nonononono....'

The landlord, smiling nervously as he walked over to the two, gave them two tickets for a week in Kalm. Sephiroth and Cloud exited as soon as they could, staggering out into the street as the sun came up.

'Freaky....' Sephiroth murmered as he and Cloud slid to the pavement.

'Excuse me.'

Sephiroth opened one green eye and glared at the man in a dark suit, a camera around his neck. 'G'away.' He closed his eye again.

'Um....no.'

This time Cloud looked up.

'What is it?' He demanded in a gruff voice, the effects of the beer slowly pulling themselves out of his Mako-enhanced bloodstream.

'I'm....ah....a talent spotter.' Cloud and Sephiroth were up and running in five seconds flat, to no avail as the guy pulled out a Materia and cast Stop on them. 'And you are coming with me.' He finished as two thugs came and divested them of their weapons. The talent spotter released Cloud and Sephiroth from the Stop spell, and they followed him, shoulders slumped, the alcohol forced out of their systems by the spell....

They walked to a van where the guys forced them into the back and came and sat with them.

'Okay, let's go.' The talent spotter said. As the van rumbled slowly out of the slums, the man turned to Cloud and Sephiroth.

'I am André De Plume, the great musician. I have trained up some of the most wonderful singers we have today, and when I heard you two today....well, I knew you were meant to be an act. And who are you two?' André finished.

'Cloud Strife, saviour of the planet from Meteor and this bloke here.' He replied, indicating Sephiroth.

'Sephiroth, all-round meglomaniac, called Meteor and is the hated enemy of Cloud Strife. And would like his sword back.' Sephiroth finished, crossing his arms and pouting like a kid. His eyes practicully radiated annoyence.

'Splendid!' André clapped his hands together. The van screeched to a stop. André signalled the two to get out, and Cloud and Sephiroth clambered out of the van to see that they had arrived in Kalm.

André led the way to a large house, muttering to himself. Sephiroth heard 'splendid' and 'money' repeated several times.

As they entered into the house, Cloud and Sephiroth both looked around in awe. Somehow the guy had managed to fit in a theatre, changing rooms and all, into a normal five-bedroom house. Mind you, the house did extend back for quite a ways.

André then shooed them into a dressing room, telling them to wait for a while as he had to go get some friends out of bed.

'Now what?' Sephiroth grumbled to Cloud. They had both been given their swords back, which was a relief, but it hadn't occured to the two of them that they could bust out of here.

Blood of Sephiroth: Sorry the cahpters are still a little short! They are getting there, tho.... So what's going to happen to our fav pair? Will the relentless André and his goons steal all their privacy? Or will it occur to the blockheads that they can carve André a new belly button and then raise the body count by getting the hell out of there? Stay chooned for the next chapter!

(Leaves the recording studio)

Sephiroth: And she's from _my _blood? Hojo! Get your ass here now! Who have you been putting Mummydear and me into now?! *Hefts big kick-ass seven foot long sword*

Hojo: N-No-one, Sephiroth....t-take it easy now, son....

Sephiroth: I AM NOT YOUR SON!!!! ARRRRHHH!!!! *kicks Hojo's white ass*

Cloud: *looking over to them both and shaking his head* Hey! Guys! Get a life! The game's over!

Sephiroth: *looks up from biting a hole in Hojo's science coat* Arrrgh! At least I don't look like a girl!!! Even *shudders* Blood of Sephiroth thinks you do!

Blood of Sephiroth: OH I SO DO NOT YOU ARE _DEAD_ SEPHIROTH!!!!!!! *Whole gang fights*

__

Beeeeep: We are interrupting this program as it appears that the author of said fanfic, that is, Blood of Sephiroth, seems to have gone insane. We apologise for any inconvieniance. The trained medical staff are moving in now with tranquilizers. Have a nice day, and be a responsible reader and review!

Blood of Sephiroth: And tell me if you want to see any more end scenes like this or if it is totally senseless! Thank you! *Falls over as dart hits her arm*


	3. Sword+Annoyed Drunk People=....Tutus?

**_Chapter Three: Swords+Annoyed Drunk People=....Tutu's?_**

**__**

Sephiroth paced as Cloud sat in a chair and dozed, his hands behind his head.

'I can't take this anymore!!!' Sephiroth suddenly screeched, making Cloud jump and reach for his sword.

'Hey! Sephiroth! Calm it!' Cloud yelled at the seething swordsman. Sephiroth looked up at him, his bottom lip quivering as his bright green eyes filled up with tears.

'I....I'm sorry....I want to get out of here....'

Cloud shook his head, trying desperatly not to smile at Sephiroth and failing dismally. His eyes streaming, Cloud picked up his sword and stood up.

'C'mon, then....hee hee hee....let's go!'

Sephiroth pouted.

'Are you laughing at me?'

Cloud shook his head, his shoulders still shaking.

'No.'

'Are to.'

'Am not.'

'Are to!'

'Am not!'

'Are to!'

'Am not!'

'Are to!'

'Am not!'

'Are to!'

'Am not!'

'Are to!'

'Am not!'

'Are to!'

'Am not!'

'Are to!'

'Am not!'

'Are to!'

'Am not!'

'Are to!'

'Am not!'

'Are to!'

'Am not!'

'Are to!'

'Am not!'

'Are to!'

'Am not!'

'Are to!'

'Am not!'

'Are to!'

'Am not!'

'Are to!'

'Am not!'

'Are to!'

'Am not!'

'Are to!'

'Am not!'

'Are to!'

'Am not!'

'Are to!'

'Am not!'

Both of them were in each other's faces, both faces red.

'Right! That's it! We're out of here!' Cloud yelled, waving his sword about above his head and decapitating an innocent dress dummy. Sephiroth punched the air and 'boora'd' (don't ask me. Please.) as he pulled out the Masamune. The two went to slip silently out of the dressing room when who should appear but André with a couple of suit bags, a tacky, false grin plastered on his face.

'Good news!' He cried. Sephiroth's face lit up.

'You gonna let us go?'

Cloud groaned and smacked Sephiroth on the back of the head.

'No!' André grinned. 'Something better!!! You are gonna sing and dance tonight!!!! Here's your costumes, the dance room is two doors down to your left! Have fun, gentlemen!!!'

With those last words, André pushed the bags into their unresisting hands, leaving his goons just outside the door to make sure they got changed.

Cloud was the first to open his. He got a glimpse of shocking pink.

'....Tutu's....?'

And they were. Shocking pink tights, short frilly skirt, and a pink sort of leotard thing, a matching pair of bovver boots to go with it all.

'Uh....I am NOT wearing these.' Sephiroth said, holding up his. Cloud sighed. 

'We have to. We'll get out of here on the way to the dance room, okay?'

Sephiroth nodded. 'On one condition.'

'Yes?'

'We take our clothes with us.'

Ten minutes later and two men in pink tutu's and bovver boots snuck out of the building, self-consiously tugging on the skirts. One of the men had a long samurai on his back, and the other had a huge Buster Sword.

'Pink really is not my colour.' One of them, the one with silver hair, whined.

'Oh shut up, Sephiroth.' The one with blond spikes growled. Both men had the bleary looks of people suffering a Really Bad Hangover.

'You are alright, blond goes with pink. Silver does not.' The one called Sephiroth continued, looking longingly at the backpack on the other's back. 'Can't we change now?'

'Not until we're out of Kalm, Sephiroth, I've told you this already!'

'Yes Cloud.'

The men tramped through the cold dawn air, pausing briefly in some trees to change, and using a Fire3 spell to destroy the tutu's. Satisfied, they looked around, trying to figure out where to go from there when they heard the hunting call of the talent-spotter looking for his talent.

Oh, crap.

Blood of Sephiroth: Sorry it's taken so long – school beakons. Thanks for all your feedback-I really enjoyed reading them! Keep 'em coming!

There may be some *ahem* discreet appearances of some....er....characters in the next few chapters....depends how it turns out.

And....soz for the charcters being so out of character....but hey, do I care....if the pink bovver boot fits....

And don't worry about the end-scene last time....we all recovered, and it won't happen again, will it, team?

-Mmf-  (Cloud)

-MMF!! MMMMMF MF MMF MMF!!- (Sephiroth – you really don't want to know what he's saying, believe me. It'd put this up to a NC-17 all by itself ^_^)

-Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmf.- (Hojo)

Heh heh heh.


End file.
